The girl who couldn’t find her voice
There is a part of me that is daring and absolutely on-stoppable
There is another part that is shy and pulled back into her own world
I’ve always been like that
Bravely insecure
Fiercely sensitive
As a kid, I always had the attitude of ‘I can do it. I’ll figure out a way.’
I still run my whole life like that.
I feel something, a fascination, a heart’s pull, a beckoning, I jump and then, I find a way. I don’t over-think and am carried by an inner trust that has always been there for me.
I used to love dressing up as a witch – and my mum would let me. I was four years old, got the whole outfit together and went to school dressed as a witch, with black pointy hat and all. When I looked in the mirror, I asked my mum: ‘I’m not a real witch am I mum?’
At primary school, when we got the assignment to write story essays, I always lit up. I had a gift for fantasy and storytelling and wrote page after page.
Often, the teachers would invite me to read my stories aloud in front of class. Once, I was asked to read my story in front of the entire village.
I spoke so softly, no one could hear me. No one.
I still see myself standing there. Proud of my story, but too shy to take up the space.
When I am pulled to organise a retreat, I go with it. I organize and get it all together. There is no doubt. Then when the day arrives and everyone gathers for the opening circle, I think; ‘Wow. All these women are here and they trust me to hold the space. What am I doing?’
Then I let go of the thought, and I trust, and it just channels through me.
When I am asked to work together with healers or coaches that I admire, I still sometimes think: ‘You want to work with me?’
Then I remind myself; ‘Sarah, you are not lower than anyone else. You have a story to offer. Your full heart to offer. Experience to offer. Trust your channel.’
I came a long way from the girl who stood in front of her village, not being able to tell her story. I love guiding groups and have found my voice. But she is still there.
Sometimes, it’s not about healing your ‘limiting beliefs’ but about accepting the way you are, and go from there.